The Lord of the Rings : The First One of the Ring

So, this here is a take on Lord of the Rings, affectionately known as LotRs by sad cretins whose breakfast is Doritos left over from the other night in some sort of goody bag format. However due to the films long and at times furiously boring and tedious narrative, this is really only the first half of the story.

It starts off with a voice. That's right, just a voice, oooo scary! The almighty voice, or Faceless Lass as she will forever be known as by me, tells us something about some Rings which you really should listen to but your too busy at this point trying to get into your bag of Malteasers. Basically, shes your average women, in that she doesn't muck in during the war and just tells you whats going on, supposedly, even though this happened in the past. It turns out that some evil deformed ice-cream man called Sauron, whose name sounds suspiciously like a character in a porn film, makes a powerful ring. We're told that he pours his 'malice' into it when in fact the woman read it wrong and it was meant to say 'chalice.' Typical. Anyway, lots of people get killed because of him, big fight ensues to stop him and anyone else seeing a slightly Nazi parallel here? Anyway, Adolf Sauron is defeated, not before someone we don't know but are told to care about dies and his son takes revenge. Did I say Nazis, I meant Jedi. Same difference really. Then we find out that the man that took the Ultimate Ring didn't destroy it and in fact kept it for himself, typical woman making us men look like bastards. Course, for some reason, the silly man cant keep the ring on his finger, and gets shot. Well, its his own fault, should have got it re-sized. We're supposed to care about that too but really, we think its cool to see arrows in his back. This is still the opening monologue by the way. Faceless Lass tells us its been 2 and a half thousand years, no not the film so far, but since the Ring had gone, until it was found by someone else. Gollum. The creepy wank goblin. That's right, its turning more and more into a porn flick with every new character. So after discovering he loves stroking his Ring, we're told the ring leaves him for a less creepy porn creation, Bilbo Baggins (or, Dildo TeaBaggins.) Less creepy, but more graphic. HOORAY! That's the end of the opening monologue! What a journey its been already and you've only just finished your Malteasers! Should have stocked up more.

Then we come to a description of Hobbits. If your really as uninterested as the rest of us, they're basically weed smoking, ale drinking, pie shovelling miniature Claire Baldings, with less hairy feet. And better cleanliness (except the one that picks his ear and eats it. Hes on par.) So, from this army of mini Baldings, we meet the hero of the piece. That turns villain, that turns hero again. His name is Frodo TeaBaggins. Fresh faced and content with life in HobbitLand (or for those that listened, the Shire) he doesn't have a care in the world. Introducing, Gandalf. With a beard so ridiculous long you have no choice but to wonder what he is hiding, there is a sort of weird sexual undercurrent of talking about 'arriving' precisely when he wants. Further solidifying our suspicions about Gandalf, he actually looks gleeful when a bunch of toddlers ask him to see his 'fireworks.' Then there is a whole boring bit where Dildo, that's right, Im gunna keep referring to them by their porn names, and Gandalf are talking about something and its not really interesting. Then its PARTY TIME (beating techno music) Well actually, it sounds alot like Indian music. We get to see the sickly pairing of Meriodoc Brandybook and Peregrine Took, or Merry and Pippin as they're un-affectionately known, a kind of ginger, curly haired version of John and Edward, in that you cant decided who's who and who you'd like to punch first. So, Perry it is (porn alternative, Merry Randyfuck and Pippin Fook) that causes a major incident by stealing a firework. They are very naughty boys and will be punished by Gandalf. Yes, that was creepy in my head too. We also see Sam Ganja. OK, its Gamgee, but who's keeping score. Hes a case in point for healthy school dinners even though he actually looks like Jamie Olivers love child.

Then here's the turning point. Turns out the bit we were supposed to be listening to turned out that Dildo was leaving (big sigh) and that he was going to leave everything to Frodo, including his magic Ring. When Gandalf tries to pick the Ring up, we have a giant subliminal message from Specsavers telling us to look after our eyes. That's when Gandalf suspects something. So what does he do, rides off into the sunset. Usually the template of the end of a film. Shame it isn't here, we could make the rest up. This is only the beginning on things. He discovers that Dildos magic ring is indeed the Ring of former baddy, now just a flaming eye (oh how the mighty have fallen, imagine Vader turning into a soggy ear) and that crazed goblin Gollum has spilt the beans on where it is to some crazy hooded people with no faces. They try to find little Frodo but after possibly the biggest anti-climax since Quantum of Solace we find Gandalf gets there first, and, after scaring the crap out of Sam, make them both travel away from the hooded baddies, who actually are quite reminiscent to the Blue Meanies in Yellow Submarine, in the same way they are so camp it's hard to actually take them seriously.

Now we are introduced to Gandalfs 'superior' and main antogonist in the first 2 films, Saruman. You can tell he is evil straight away because for one he is played Dracula himself so how can he be good. Also, he has a gray streak in his even more eccentric beard than Gandalf. For some reason Gandalf doesnt see it, so he is just as shocked as us to find out he bats for the other team, yes thats right Saruman, Im calling you gay, what you gunna do, come and bum me? After getting beat up in a magic duel that makes the ones in Harry Potter look real, Gandalf is put at the top of the tower to rot. He somehow manages to pull off an escape that would make B.A. Baracus proud by only using a moth and a giant eagle.

Elsewhere, Frodo and Sam meet up with Perry, and the 4 of them run away from a farmer. I know, its actually really like Yorkshire, especially when you hear Sam talk. Then the fat clumsy oaf sends them tumbling down a hill, narrowly avoiding some poo. Well, what kind of serious moral message cant be put across without some crap crap gag. Then the Blue Meanies, or Black as they prefer to dress up like a bunch of hardcore goth hoodies, just so happen to be where the 4 Hobbits are, so they have to hide. Under a tree. Didnt matter, they dont have eyes, might aswell have stood behind them, they'd never have been able to tell. They manage to evade capture, but not before being found and chased through the woods and onto a ferry.

Now we enter the land of the big folk. The little munchkins go to a pub, the Prancing Pony, expecting to find Gandalf not realising hes on top of some wizards tower (not a euthamism) and cant get down. Instead they have to settle for a beardy man who doesnt make friends with no-one. Ever. His name is Styder, thats not his real name. Spoiler alert, its Aragorn. Both do sound like porn aliases. Frodo cocks up by falling over, throwing the Ring in the air and letting it slip onto his only raised finger. If you ask me, he deserves to get stabbed just for the fact he falls over and tries to stop himself falling by putting his hand in the air and leaving one finger outstretched. Aragorn, still Stryder at this point, saves the 4 annoying grotbags from the Black Meanies, or Nazgul if you wanna be a dick and use their real names, they set off for Rivendell, Land of the Elves. No pixies or fairies though, would have been more believeable.

This is where things get tense. Brace yourselves. Like a moron, Stryder takes them up a hill (not a euthamism) and being a fat chunky monkey he is, Sam persuades the others to make food when its dark. *DISCLAIMER* There is no proof it was Sam that made them want food. Hes just fat. So 2+2=4 in my book. The Goth Chavs converge upon the hill, and Frodo gets stabbed by a magic blade. Which will turn him into a Goth Chav too. Probly got it from Fiddy or Kanye. Thats right, they full on shanked a man, well, half a man, and then got their asses handed to them by Stryder. Realising they need to get him to the Elf Land, you'll never guess who they bump into. Go on. Guess. An Elf. No, really! And elf. What luck. The surprising thing is, shes a lady elf, and quite an attractive one apparently. She makes Noami Campbell look like Halle Berry, put it that way. Anyway, she rides off with the dying, and at this point, gangreenus Frodo and after being chased by all of the Black Meanies, she leads them to a lake, infested with horses. Consequently, this is the first time in about an hour and a half of film a women actaully does something even remotely cool.

After being fully healed and us being shown Gandalfs miraculous escape (oops, I told you already) but Frodo having to stare into his gormless face for however long, we learn of what is going to happen in the next part of the film. We see that Stryder (yes, he is still Stryder, wait for it) and the Lady Elf have a nauseating thing going on that really makes us want to regurjatate last weeks omlette. Yawn, that must have been in there for the women that got dragged along to it. So, sitting around essentially a block with the Ring on it, we're treated to whats the start of a long and boring set of cameos. Oh look, theres Sallah from Indiana Jones. Oh and theres that gay straight guy from that Pirate film that isnt Johnny Depp. And isnt he the guy from the Matrix with the sunglasses? Oh look! Its Sharpe! After all deciding that the Ring has to be destroyed and Frodo has to do it, and also that Stryder is none other than Aragorn (oops, I told you already) and that he is the King of all Men, Sam and Perry decide to tag along, even though the Matrix guy isnt that fussed if Sam goes, but looks rather pissed when Perry say they want to.

End of Part 1. Part 2 coming up as soon as I regain the will to live.