Yes this is the second part of the Lord of the Rings film review, making sure you don't have to sit through three hours of tedium, and instead reading through one and half hours of... tedium. You may be asking 'Why has it taken you so long to write the second part of the film down' in my head, so I’ll answer it. I actually decided to try and get a life away from the laptop, but ultimately, society doesn't deem punching deer in the face an acceptable leisure activity. So away we go.
We pick up where we left off really, the little crew of the 4 munchkins from Hobbit Hill, King of Men Strydergorn who from this point on in the films is Aragorn, Elf Prince Legolas or 'that other person from Pirates of the Caribbean', Gimpy the Dwarf (or to give him his real name, Gimli), Boromir who is the resident evil goody but more evil than good, and Gandalf, essentially a poor man’s Dumbledore. Off they set to destroy the Ring.
We are shown some beautiful shots of New Zealand that really make you want to kill yourself as you walk out and realise that these places are real and the best we have to offer is a Pound stretcher and Bristol. Anyway, we are shown the first signs of Boromir being evil but good but more evil than good. When Frodo rather needlessly falls over which really does set up the line 'Ay Frodo, enjoy your trip' from any of the main characters, instead, we see Boromir pick up the Ring that somehow miraculously and conveniently for the plot, fall off from round Frodo’s neck. After pretty much having a one-man orgy with the Ring, he's told to give it back. After insisting he doesn't care about it, he walks off. Imagine a crack addict trying to convince his parents he definitely didn't kill her for the money. It is just that convincing.
More long shots of New Zealand... really starting to think this is becoming a tourism video...
More long shots....
Ahh story! After being scared by silver medallists in the Scariest Birds In Film (only beaten by Karen Allen in Raiders of the Lost Ark,) the posse of heroes and villain but hero but more villain than hero, decide to go up a mountain, rather than opting for Gimpys idea of going through some Mines of somewhere, or Boromirs suggestion of taking it right to that bad guy with the beard, oh whats his face... Dracula. Of course, Dracula is wise to the idea of using the mountain, and decides to say some magic words to make it go cloudy and make the mountain fall on their heads.
Between the chattering of little hobbit teeth and Dumbledalfs attempted counter words of pointlessness, they decide that actually, they made a mistake going up the mountain so instead they opt for Gimpys idea in a fair and bureaucratic system of 'Frodo decides.'
We then get Sauramans voice (that's Dracula to us people that aren't emotionally attached to the film) talking about some big black and red thing that killed loads of Gimpys people. Apparently Dumbledalf knows about this, but still is happy, on the word of the moron with the Ring, to go there, and in an eerie vision of the future, we can see the inevitable happening, all that’s missing is the giant neon arrow with 'Dead Man' at the end of it. Oops, ruined it again I suppose.
Something about a giant squid, which they don’t even call a squid, happens next. We all hope for Frodo’s death so we can all go home happy, but our band of merry heroes slice and dice (I hate myself) the quid up and save our plucky (unfortunately for us) hero. Of course, squidy decides to get some revenge and traps them in the mines, shortly after they realise it’s not a very nice place to be, what with the skeletons and all.
So in the mines we're treated to the fact that 1) all the dwarfs are dead 2) Gollum the wank goblin is free and following the party and 3) Gandalf has a very big nose and a very short temper. Especially with Pippin. He's one of the hobbits. Not the one with the Ring, not the one that follows the one with the Ring, just one of the tag alongs, the Ringo of the 4 hobbits if you will. After making a big racket with a bucket and in the process telling everyone where they are after trying to be hidden (yet using a torch in Dumbledalfs stick) a big battle ensues. This is the first time we see all of main characters engage in combat. We even get to see a troll. Unfortunately, Wayne Rooney wasn’t allowed to fly out to New Zealand so a CGI one was put in instead (other famous people considered for the role included Courtney Love, Jackie Stallone and David Guest) Troll boy gets second biggest cheer of the night as he stabs loveable(?) Frodo right in the chest. HOORAY! Film over!
Not. BOOOOOOO! Somehow, we're treated to Frodo still actually being alive, not after seeing the emotional reaction of each of his companions, and the subsequent slaughter of everything around them, including trolly. Having been given a magical impenetrable vest by his dear Uncle, Frodo gets up and carries on like nothing ever happened. Onwards we go.
That is until, after having to jump a giant gap in some stairs, and being surrounded by countless enemies (or Orcs as they’re professionally known) we get to see the biggest, scariest baddy in the film so far. It’s called a Balrog, its some sort of fire monster with hardly any fire on him. Anyway, no-one can really get near him, so Dumbledalf steps up to the plate. After casting really a nothing spell, the Balrog tried to walk towards Dumbledalf, but obviously being 60 foot tall and weighing over 70 tonnes (some facts may be exaggerated) falls down a very narrow bridge. Not without pulling Dumbledalf with him though. Of course, there IS a chance to save him, but only Frodo seems to want to act. After being restrained by Boromir, showing his good side for only the second time ever, down falls Dumbledalf. We get a shot of everyone mourning the 'death' of Gandalf, but more of his story in the first section of my review of the second film.
Now we travel to Elf Kingdom. We finally see the face to the voice of the narrator at the start, and boy was it worth waiting for, kind of. It’s hard to take her seriously when you know she’s about 5 billion years old (some facts may be exaggerated) and looks like she should be saying 'Cus I’m Worth It' after every sentence. She tells everyone to rest for the night, and after somehow waking up only Frodo, shows him an eerie vision of what will happen if he fails to destroy the Ring. She then turns into some kind of giant evil Smurf, only more enhancing the fact that she should have been heard and not seen. After apparently overcoming the lapse of being evil for a minute, then becoming possibly the biggest hypocrite since Hitler by saying the Ring is slowly turning everyone against him, she sets them all on their jolly way down a river, not before giving them presents, but not on Christmas...
We enter the final stages of the act now, as we are shown some scary big Orcs, or Uruk-Kai as they are really known. They are set the task of bringing Sauraman the one with the Ring, and us being clever little people know that they don’t have the brains to match the brawn, so obviously going to pick up Ringo and George, rather than John or Paul. Oops, ruined it again. Anyway, after Boromir goes all evil but good but more evil than good then returning to good to redeem himself, with Frodo, he decides to defend little Ringo and George (Merry and Pippin to people that don’t get the Beatles reference there, morons) until he gets shot a staggering 3 times by chief bad orc, Lurtz. This leads to Merry and Pippin being taken away... Plot cliff-hanger 1. As all of that is going on, Frodo escapes on a boat, and accompanied by Sam, decide to destroy the Ring on their two-some. Plot cliff-hanger 2. Then, after killing all the baddies, and sending Boromir on his way for proving really at heart, he is a big softy, we’re left with Aragorn, Legolas and Gimpy vowing to rescue the two kidnapped hobbits, rather than help destroy the Ring. Plot cliff-hanger 3.
And that’s the end. Thats right, it’s a film without a proper ending. You have to wait for the next one to see what happens. Boo!
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